Tired of Feeling Overweight?

Hi, I’m Allen Snell, CEO of Snell Enterprises, and I have an incredible new program to tell you about today. Here at our industry labs, our top researchers have found a revolutionary way to deal with the extra weight you may have put on in years past Today, I’m here to bring that revelation to you, and forever change your life.

Introducing the latest in dieting breakthroughs:

Ignore the Weight Away

“Ignore the Weight Away” is a clinically proven method of reducing your stress caused from being overweight. Other “weight-loss” programs get hung up on the same, tired-old tactic: trying to remove physical fat from the body. Experts across the board agree that this painful method can lead to serious complications, including increased stress, anxiety, and having to move around on a regular basis. As a result, it’s no wonder why so few people are able to complete the heavy burdens of these programs.

“Ignore the weight away,” however, takes a far more sophisticated approach for the 21st century, one that everyone, no matter how undermotivated, can complete. Instead of fussing over that stubborn pudge around the midsection, we take the battle to a more appropriate field: the brain. In just 12 weeks of “Ignore the Weight Away,” our instructional DVDs will guide you to completely forget what a size medium felt like, and just like magic, you won’t miss it anymore!

The 5 disc DVD set begins with a basic set-up for success, such as removing any household mirrors, scales, and pictures of you before you developed your own gravitational field. From there, you’ll be guided in what TV shows to watch. Men can enjoy King of Queens, According to Jim, Family Guy, The Simpsons, and if you’re really bored, old episodes of the Drew Carey show. Notice a trend? Yes! All these men ignored their weight away and ended up on primetime TV with gorgeous wives. For you ladies…well there’s Glee if you like that whole Lauren and Puck thing, but maybe TV isn’t the best place for you.

Finally, once your path has been paved for forgetting your portly past, the DVDs make use of the ultimate form of technology that makes this incredible program possible: Time. No, not the magazines. Just simple forward-moving, memory-erasing time. For the remaining 4 discs I’ll do anything to occupy your mind. I’ll read you a story. I’ll sing you a song. Heck, I’ll film some paint drying for you to watch. And eventually you’ll be able to say to yourself, “I’m not fat at all. I’m just average, compared to that fat person.”

At Snell enterprises, we guarantee by the end of this program you will:
-Gain a new sense of self-confidence
-Feel the freedom to eat whatever you want
-Learn how to cleverly use cartoon and celebrity characters as your facebook profile picture
-Discover how the use of a multivitamin can erase “vegetable-guilt” completely
-Never feel the need to judge yourself in a mirror, ever again!

I wouldn’t be here today selling this product if it hadn’t already revolutionized my life. But don’t just take my word, listen to the testimonies of these satisfied individuals.

“It’s like taking your sense of self-worth to the gym, meanwhile your body gets to stay at home and watch CSI reruns!”
-Gary, Minnesota

“Gosh, I’m probably 20 or 30 pounds heavier than I was in college, but after 12 weeks of ‘Ignore the Weight Away,’ I’ve never felt more ambivalent!”
-Mallory, Florida

“Who has two chins and can devour an entire Little Caesar’s pizza without feeling a single pound heavier? This Guy!”
-Mike, Oklahoma

What are you waiting for? Stop wasting your time fighting unnecessary battles and learn how to ignore this problem, for good! Order your complete weight ignorance kit today.

Oh Billy McBuck

This is one of those pieces that I’m not sure I’ll ever find a market for. But that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the madness of it. It's an old project I’ve recently touched up for submission—a story told through a poem in the style of a certain famous children’s poet.

Oh Billy McBuck

Oh Billy McBuck, you’re a shining young lad,
With gallant and valiant adventures at hand
but I fear I must warn you of dangerous Brad.
Ol’ Brad Bingsley Brunswick, contentious and mad.

See you Billy Boy, have a laugh far too glad
and your chu-chippy chuckle, well ol’ Brad just can’t stand.
So here comes the dangerous choice to be had:
to silence your laugh or to battle big Brad?

Oh Billy McBuck, you’re a shining young lad,
but you just cannot win with his scowl iron-clad!

You’ll silence your laugh like stopping a spout,
so when you crack up, no sound will come out.
Ol’ Brad will be gone, but friends will confound—
“It looks like a chuckle, but where is the sound?”

They’ll rush you to Dr. Jurgovian Clee
where he’ll make you say “Ah” and tap on your knee.
An x-ray or two and he’s certain to see
your funny bone’s broken in two, poor Billy.

“I’ll make you a deal,” the strange doc will then say
“I’ll give you my funny bone, give it away.
Now there’s only one catch, one request I must place:
go laugh the world over ‘til you’re blue in the face.”

You stare at the doctor, no clue what to do.
Do you take the doc’s funny bone and maybe turn blue?
Though you highly suspect it’s too good to be true,
“I’ll take it!” you shout. “Sign me up; I approve!”

But your smile soon fades, and then drops your jaw
as the doctor reveals his zip-sazz-litzer saw.
“Oh, don’t worry,” he says, “This isn’t for you.
Removing the bone is the hard part to do.”

You shout in protest, but not quite in time.
The doctor had carved from his chest through his spine
and out pulls a shard and hands it to you.
Holding blood-dripping bone, you really might spew.

“Oh, no,” the doc coughs, “That just will not do.
For the bone to take work it must be inside you.”
As he takes his last breath, he makes a small cut
in your chest, then plunges your hand in your gut.

You stand holding him, as limp as a leaf,
and the pain of your wounds blends with stunned disbelief.
You fall to your knees, you weep and you scream,
but that is just when you will wake from your dream.

Immediately, you reach for the gash.
No scar can be found, not even a rash.
It all seemed so real; was it make-believe?
From Brad to the sacrificial Dr. JC?

You forget all about it, go on with your day,
and it’s back to the school or college or fray.
When who would approach you but ol’ Brad indeed.
Ol’ Brad Bingsley Brunswick looks hungry with greed.

He already stole your poor laugh, but wants more—
your lunch money, maybe, or perhaps a small war,
but then comes your moment, the epic launch pad.
Oh Billy McBuck, you’re a shining young lad!

Because out comes a laugh that could flatten the man,
and blows him right out of this place to Japan.
Your laugh has returned, and for a moment you see
what seems to be Dr. Jurgovian Clee

He gives you a wink, and then walks out of sight.
You smile right back as he fades into white.
You’ll laugh the world over, just as he commands.
Oh, Billy McBuck, now go shine these dark lands.