Tired of Feeling Overweight?

Hi, I’m Allen Snell, CEO of Snell Enterprises, and I have an incredible new program to tell you about today. Here at our industry labs, our top researchers have found a revolutionary way to deal with the extra weight you may have put on in years past Today, I’m here to bring that revelation to you, and forever change your life.

Introducing the latest in dieting breakthroughs:

Ignore the Weight Away

“Ignore the Weight Away” is a clinically proven method of reducing your stress caused from being overweight. Other “weight-loss” programs get hung up on the same, tired-old tactic: trying to remove physical fat from the body. Experts across the board agree that this painful method can lead to serious complications, including increased stress, anxiety, and having to move around on a regular basis. As a result, it’s no wonder why so few people are able to complete the heavy burdens of these programs.

“Ignore the weight away,” however, takes a far more sophisticated approach for the 21st century, one that everyone, no matter how undermotivated, can complete. Instead of fussing over that stubborn pudge around the midsection, we take the battle to a more appropriate field: the brain. In just 12 weeks of “Ignore the Weight Away,” our instructional DVDs will guide you to completely forget what a size medium felt like, and just like magic, you won’t miss it anymore!

The 5 disc DVD set begins with a basic set-up for success, such as removing any household mirrors, scales, and pictures of you before you developed your own gravitational field. From there, you’ll be guided in what TV shows to watch. Men can enjoy King of Queens, According to Jim, Family Guy, The Simpsons, and if you’re really bored, old episodes of the Drew Carey show. Notice a trend? Yes! All these men ignored their weight away and ended up on primetime TV with gorgeous wives. For you ladies…well there’s Glee if you like that whole Lauren and Puck thing, but maybe TV isn’t the best place for you.

Finally, once your path has been paved for forgetting your portly past, the DVDs make use of the ultimate form of technology that makes this incredible program possible: Time. No, not the magazines. Just simple forward-moving, memory-erasing time. For the remaining 4 discs I’ll do anything to occupy your mind. I’ll read you a story. I’ll sing you a song. Heck, I’ll film some paint drying for you to watch. And eventually you’ll be able to say to yourself, “I’m not fat at all. I’m just average, compared to that fat person.”

At Snell enterprises, we guarantee by the end of this program you will:
-Gain a new sense of self-confidence
-Feel the freedom to eat whatever you want
-Learn how to cleverly use cartoon and celebrity characters as your facebook profile picture
-Discover how the use of a multivitamin can erase “vegetable-guilt” completely
-Never feel the need to judge yourself in a mirror, ever again!

I wouldn’t be here today selling this product if it hadn’t already revolutionized my life. But don’t just take my word, listen to the testimonies of these satisfied individuals.

“It’s like taking your sense of self-worth to the gym, meanwhile your body gets to stay at home and watch CSI reruns!”
-Gary, Minnesota

“Gosh, I’m probably 20 or 30 pounds heavier than I was in college, but after 12 weeks of ‘Ignore the Weight Away,’ I’ve never felt more ambivalent!”
-Mallory, Florida

“Who has two chins and can devour an entire Little Caesar’s pizza without feeling a single pound heavier? This Guy!”
-Mike, Oklahoma

What are you waiting for? Stop wasting your time fighting unnecessary battles and learn how to ignore this problem, for good! Order your complete weight ignorance kit today.

Oh Billy McBuck

This is one of those pieces that I’m not sure I’ll ever find a market for. But that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the madness of it. It's an old project I’ve recently touched up for submission—a story told through a poem in the style of a certain famous children’s poet.

Oh Billy McBuck

Oh Billy McBuck, you’re a shining young lad,
With gallant and valiant adventures at hand
but I fear I must warn you of dangerous Brad.
Ol’ Brad Bingsley Brunswick, contentious and mad.

See you Billy Boy, have a laugh far too glad
and your chu-chippy chuckle, well ol’ Brad just can’t stand.
So here comes the dangerous choice to be had:
to silence your laugh or to battle big Brad?

Oh Billy McBuck, you’re a shining young lad,
but you just cannot win with his scowl iron-clad!

You’ll silence your laugh like stopping a spout,
so when you crack up, no sound will come out.
Ol’ Brad will be gone, but friends will confound—
“It looks like a chuckle, but where is the sound?”

They’ll rush you to Dr. Jurgovian Clee
where he’ll make you say “Ah” and tap on your knee.
An x-ray or two and he’s certain to see
your funny bone’s broken in two, poor Billy.

“I’ll make you a deal,” the strange doc will then say
“I’ll give you my funny bone, give it away.
Now there’s only one catch, one request I must place:
go laugh the world over ‘til you’re blue in the face.”

You stare at the doctor, no clue what to do.
Do you take the doc’s funny bone and maybe turn blue?
Though you highly suspect it’s too good to be true,
“I’ll take it!” you shout. “Sign me up; I approve!”

But your smile soon fades, and then drops your jaw
as the doctor reveals his zip-sazz-litzer saw.
“Oh, don’t worry,” he says, “This isn’t for you.
Removing the bone is the hard part to do.”

You shout in protest, but not quite in time.
The doctor had carved from his chest through his spine
and out pulls a shard and hands it to you.
Holding blood-dripping bone, you really might spew.

“Oh, no,” the doc coughs, “That just will not do.
For the bone to take work it must be inside you.”
As he takes his last breath, he makes a small cut
in your chest, then plunges your hand in your gut.

You stand holding him, as limp as a leaf,
and the pain of your wounds blends with stunned disbelief.
You fall to your knees, you weep and you scream,
but that is just when you will wake from your dream.

Immediately, you reach for the gash.
No scar can be found, not even a rash.
It all seemed so real; was it make-believe?
From Brad to the sacrificial Dr. JC?

You forget all about it, go on with your day,
and it’s back to the school or college or fray.
When who would approach you but ol’ Brad indeed.
Ol’ Brad Bingsley Brunswick looks hungry with greed.

He already stole your poor laugh, but wants more—
your lunch money, maybe, or perhaps a small war,
but then comes your moment, the epic launch pad.
Oh Billy McBuck, you’re a shining young lad!

Because out comes a laugh that could flatten the man,
and blows him right out of this place to Japan.
Your laugh has returned, and for a moment you see
what seems to be Dr. Jurgovian Clee

He gives you a wink, and then walks out of sight.
You smile right back as he fades into white.
You’ll laugh the world over, just as he commands.
Oh, Billy McBuck, now go shine these dark lands.

And So That's Why We Call It A Grind

About 5 days ago I started playing the sickeningly popular MMO, World of Warcraft. Sure it's fun, but why would I write about that? What I want to express is the odd familiarity I found while playing it. You see...

About 5 months ago I started working at a restaurant in my hometown. Of the two factions, I chose to play Back of House. I rolled a 20-30 year-old grill cook. I'm sorry, are you an RPG nerd. No? Let me break it down.


Class
Grill Cook
Role: Damage Dealer
-Reduces each check health to zero. Low health (highly irritable).

Of course, there are lots of other classes in the restaurant. 

Manager
Role: Tank
-Absorbs enemy complaints and all the garbage that goes down in the house. Constantly barks out orders.

Prep Cook
Role: Support Buffs
-Keeps other cooks stocked and prepared, providing a permanent haste buff to cooking and stocking speed.


Dish Washer
Role: Healer
-Removes negative status effects from the kitchen. Heals grill cooks by giving them someone beneath them to lash out at.


Race
20-30 year-old
-Balanced Race. Average wisdom and energy. Slight elitism somehow despite working in a kitchen past 20's.

And there are certainly other races amongst us too.


16-20 year-old
-High energy race. Can activate berserk every hour, giving a 20% casting haste but a 50% increase to mess generated. +30% experience gained.

30+ years old
-High health race. Not easily upset (read: too old to give a care). Base speed is low, but has a racial ability to use wisdom as speed modifier, putting young guns in their place by sheer life experience. -30% experience gained (read: hard to teach an old dog new tricks).


Well, now that I've laid all that out, let me just say, our store (henceforth to be known as "our server") is one of the busiest. Lots of mobs just crawling in from everywhere. Frequently aggressive. My experience began with the tutorial stage, learning what all the different instruments do. Next came the exploring stage, making my way throughout Azerothony's and meeting new people of different classes. And then comes the level grinding.

I defeated countless burgers, phillies, and steaks. As I leveled, I acquired new skills. Take for instance:

Read the freaking check
-Casting time: 5 seconds
Lean in and actually read the check, idiot. Reduces the chance of a order mistake proc by 90%.


Oils, Seasonings, and Presses, oh my!
-Casting time: ~a few seconds
It's amazing how with a little butter, pepper, or onion salt, you can make your food taste palatable. Oil and grill presses can haste your casting time by as much as 80%.

And my favorite:
Burn resistance
-Passive ability
Splashing yourself with oil or touching a scalding plate doesn't make you freak out like a little girl. Oh, it hurts alright. But you're a man now. Remember, this is simple burn resistance, not fire resistance. Your flesh is just as flammable.

Before long, I realized there were entire talent trees. I could spec speed, clean, efficient, or fun. Bet you're curious what each of those are. Of course you are! If you're still reading by this point, you'd hate me for not telling you.


Speed
Abilities center around berserk and general haste buffs. Highest dps and highest mess. You might be saving time by flailing your arms around like a human blender, but when it's time to clean your floors, you'll consider respecking as:


Clean
Your abilities are primarily geared toward using exactly what you need, no more no less. Excess creates mess. Cooking times might be slower, but you have the fastest side-work time and generate lots of honor points when people see your pristine work station. Of course, you're so focused on staying tidy you might might mess up here and there, so maybe you should spec


Efficiency
You get it right the first time, every time. If this whole cooking thing really were and RPG, you'd put "read the freaking check" on number 1-9 and faceroll your way to victory. Avoids those nasty order mistake procs almost entirely which, lets face it, is like guaranteeing no enemy will ever crit on you. Of course, you inflict massive penalties to casting haste, and if you're going that slow, why not be

Fun
There's really no better word. Some people think that funny stories, a careful amount of singing, and goofy antics have no place in the game, but they're wrong. You heal yourself and those around you from stress and boredom in-between checks. Not exactly ideal for massive raids, but great for those little 5-man dungeon shifts.

And from there, I realized it's all up to me for what kinds of shifts I want. Friday nights are some great experienced raids. Monday afternoons are some casual questing. Holidays offer lots of exciting new mobs and quests. Maybe in time you'll level your way to the top, acquire all the hip titles and gear. But in the end, no matter how difficult the boss, every enemy drops the same loot at 8 dollars an hour.

And so that's why we call it a grind.

Tales from the Kitchen: Issue #1

I get to witness so many hilarious and absurd events while cooking at the restaurant I work at (which will henceforth remain nameless). It would be selfish not to share them with you all. So here is the first edition of "Tales from the Kitchen." I'll try and reduce some of the "language" offense, but I feel the need to try and preserve the characters.

***

Me: Should I throw out these diced onions. They’re a little . . . soggy.
Justin: Yes, hell yes. These should have been thrown out days ago.
Me: Well, they’re still ok to cook on the grill right? They sauté in with the Philly meat and everything—
Justin: No, that’s disgusting. You can’t cook the rot out of food. It’s a grill, not a G**d*** time machine.

***

Larry: Hey Allen, want to see a cool trick with the freezer door?
Me: Sure, what is it?
Larry: Alright, open the door and stick your hand through the opening between the hinges.
Me: No way, you'll smash my fingers.
Larry: Fine, you can hold it open. That wouldn't be much of a trick anyway.
Me: Ok, now what?
Larry: Hold onto this egg.
Me: Ok, and then what?
Larry: See ya!

He walks away and leaves me with a few fingers reaching through the hinge opening holding an egg. The door is too big to reach around and take it with my other hand. There is nothing on the other side I can set the egg down on. Unless I feel like cleaning up egg...I'm stuck.

Thankfully, a few moments later he comes back and relieves me of my dilemma.

*** (This one's a little gross. Brace yourselves.)

     Dave walks into the kitchen and utters the words, "The strangest thing in the world just happened to me." Only he didn't say it like it was a cliche or exaggeration. The horror in his eyes told me he meant it.
     "I'm listening," I told him.
     "I was taking a s*** when I hear the door open. Then, he starts to jiggle the stall handle I'm in.  Somehow he knocks it open and walks in on me. But he doesn't just walk in on me, this 80 year old man comes over and tries to sit down. I shouted, 'Sir, this is in use, could you please step out!' All he turned and said was 'What?' I repeated myself and he slowly turned and walked out. Except he doesn't close the door. I'm straddling the seat trying to lean forward and push this door shut when the crazy old man tries to walk in on me again. 'Sir, I promise I'll be quick, just wait outside!'"
      As Dave is telling me all this, the man was currently in the bathroom. Sadly, we could see his caretaker standing outside the restroom waiting. About 10 minutes later he finally comes out. Though the back of the house all laughed at the story, those working up front didn't find it so funny when they realized he released his bowels all over the floor and had to clean it up.
     And the moral of the story is: lock your stall doors up good, because:

As always, hide yo kids, hide yo wives.