Tales from the Kitchen: Issue #1

I get to witness so many hilarious and absurd events while cooking at the restaurant I work at (which will henceforth remain nameless). It would be selfish not to share them with you all. So here is the first edition of "Tales from the Kitchen." I'll try and reduce some of the "language" offense, but I feel the need to try and preserve the characters.

***

Me: Should I throw out these diced onions. They’re a little . . . soggy.
Justin: Yes, hell yes. These should have been thrown out days ago.
Me: Well, they’re still ok to cook on the grill right? They sauté in with the Philly meat and everything—
Justin: No, that’s disgusting. You can’t cook the rot out of food. It’s a grill, not a G**d*** time machine.

***

Larry: Hey Allen, want to see a cool trick with the freezer door?
Me: Sure, what is it?
Larry: Alright, open the door and stick your hand through the opening between the hinges.
Me: No way, you'll smash my fingers.
Larry: Fine, you can hold it open. That wouldn't be much of a trick anyway.
Me: Ok, now what?
Larry: Hold onto this egg.
Me: Ok, and then what?
Larry: See ya!

He walks away and leaves me with a few fingers reaching through the hinge opening holding an egg. The door is too big to reach around and take it with my other hand. There is nothing on the other side I can set the egg down on. Unless I feel like cleaning up egg...I'm stuck.

Thankfully, a few moments later he comes back and relieves me of my dilemma.

*** (This one's a little gross. Brace yourselves.)

     Dave walks into the kitchen and utters the words, "The strangest thing in the world just happened to me." Only he didn't say it like it was a cliche or exaggeration. The horror in his eyes told me he meant it.
     "I'm listening," I told him.
     "I was taking a s*** when I hear the door open. Then, he starts to jiggle the stall handle I'm in.  Somehow he knocks it open and walks in on me. But he doesn't just walk in on me, this 80 year old man comes over and tries to sit down. I shouted, 'Sir, this is in use, could you please step out!' All he turned and said was 'What?' I repeated myself and he slowly turned and walked out. Except he doesn't close the door. I'm straddling the seat trying to lean forward and push this door shut when the crazy old man tries to walk in on me again. 'Sir, I promise I'll be quick, just wait outside!'"
      As Dave is telling me all this, the man was currently in the bathroom. Sadly, we could see his caretaker standing outside the restroom waiting. About 10 minutes later he finally comes out. Though the back of the house all laughed at the story, those working up front didn't find it so funny when they realized he released his bowels all over the floor and had to clean it up.
     And the moral of the story is: lock your stall doors up good, because:

As always, hide yo kids, hide yo wives.